AMERICA

America I am the artist you created

By DOUGLAS J HARDING

America I used to think I am nothing

You have taught me I am everything

America I read The Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

And I, an American, thought of you

In all your blood and glory

America how can you be free

When you keep so many prisoners?

America what did you do

To the Black Panthers?

To Fred Hampton?

Fred was only a kid

America where are all the Black Panthers

Of today?

All the Fred Hamptons?

America three dollars and sixty-seven cents per gallon

July 7, 2023

I do not know what is Wrong with me

If anything

The way you mean Wrong

I know I cannot be like this forever

I promise I will never stop protesting

America when will we have Peace?

Fuck the war in Ukraine

And all the others, too

Including those which will come after this

And they will come

America I refuse to hate the Russians and the Chinese

And I am not sorry

America one of your cluster bombs in Yemen

Killed 21 children and 14 women

And how many men?

America 270 million cluster bombs in Laos alone

One B-52 bombing mission every eight minutes

For nine years straight

America 50 years later

These bombs still explode

On unaware children

As you knew they would do

America all children are innocent

I should not have to tell you this

America your president won the Nobel Peace Prize

While keeping a Kill List

I used to think war criminals could not win the Nobel Peace Prize

America you have taught me I am Wrong

You have taught me all there is to be learned

From war criminals

Their crimes

And I have learned plenty

America does everything here seem OK to you?

Do not lie

America I know you are lying

You would not be you if you told me the truth

America I am not lost

I do not want to talk today

I will not write until I am ready to write

America I know this ain’t Heaven

No matter what you say to me

America when will the sun rise?

Look at me now

America I owe you nothing

I know more than anything that the sun will rise

America are you not proud of me

For all I have learned?

For seeing it all so clearly now

As my faint reflection disappears before me

Only to reform itself

Again

Into some version of me

Some phase I am in

Ever-flowing with the ripple of each wave

Falling over forward

Crashing

Into earth, Crashing

Into self, Crashing

Into all this, America crashing

Into me

America are you worthy of endless wealth?

And how can you be certain?

America tens of thousands of homeless

By choice

Your choice, not theirs

America half-a-million Iraqis

Or more

And still you celebrate

Every innocent Syrian

Every Palestinian, too

America you are so proud

Of your evil

America what is the difference

In burning books and banning them?

America countless deaths

For being too poor

To pay for good health

America when will you make medicine free

For everyone?

America I know all your secrets

And I know you think you know them, too

But you cannot sense martyrdom

You cannot realize consequences

Of yourself

America you are impossible

America this is self-immolation

I know you feel it, too

America I will not forget last year

2022

Landgrabbers igniting wildfires in the Amazon Rainforest

Every day for months

Countless Google searches

Countless advertisements

For the Amazon Fire Stick

Fraudulent enticement to browse

Countless soulless films

Manipulating manufactured escapist tendencies

Self-destructive habits

All because of you

America everything I know

I know despite you

I know despite Jeff Bezos and Wall Street and Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg and Donald Trump and Joe Biden and the CIA

America the kids destroying art

At the Louvre in Paris

America the kids destroying things

Elsewhere

I am in their corner

America I am prepared to fight for the kids

I am prepared to fight for the artists

Wholeheartedly

America I need you to know this:

The answers

If there are answers

Arise from within

If there are no answers

The kids and the artists will make them

As they always have done

America you are fucking killing me

There is no Justice here

And there never will be

America please call me crazy

You cannot hurt me how you need to

America I killed my ego

When I was 21

And I had everything

And I was the best poet in the world

And I felt damn-near nothing

America you almost killed me

Almost numbed me

Into dank submission

Into false Peace

America all those pain pills you prescribed me

I took all of them

I trusted you

I trust everyone who loves something

And loves honestly

America no one trusts you anymore

I will never trust you again

America I do not know why or how I survived this long

And many others did not

I can only make up for so much lost time

America you have driven loved ones to suicide

I never met my father’s father

My grandfather

I still miss my cousin Tyler more than anything

My friend Cameron

And all the others, too

America you have convinced me

I want free cognitive behavioral therapy for everyone

I want river days on summer Sundays

Spontaneous trips to Pittsburgh for the hell of it

Evening cookouts with family and friends

The animals, too

Even on holidays we do not believe in

America I want all this

And more

America my mother grew up holding fireflies between her fingers

Pretending they were diamond rings

My sister and I grew up catching lightning bugs

Placing them with scarred hands

Temporarily into modified Mason Jars

From Pawpaw’s cellar

To show to Mother before letting go

Blowing wishes with dandelions

Blowing wishes into the wind

My sister and me

I still tell my mother every day I love her

I tell everyone I know how fortunate I am to have an angel for a sister

America most our wishes never came true

Because of you

America I could have spent a lifetime writing about lightning bugs and honeysuckles and blanketflowers and foxgloves and the smell of hot coffee in the morning before Father leaves for work

The small kicks and cheap thrills

The brief moments of purity

The subtle beauty in the simple romance of it all

America you stole this life from me

Stole this life from my sister

But we know how to pretend

America synonymous with stolen life

With stolen time

America you thief

I know I am not Acting My Age

I am barely being careful

America let us celebrate while we can

I know this ain’t Heaven but this is all we got

America there is never enough for me

And I know there never will be

As long as I am here

America I am always here

Where else can I be?

America I own nothing

I need nothing

I have everything

This is all mine

This is all too much for me

America you made me want to be a saint

I know I will never be a saint

Can we please go elsewhere now?

Is this a sick joke

Or are you fucking with me?

America please do not make this harder than it needs to be

I am obsessive and compulsive and abnormal

America You Never Get Weird Enough For Me

Thankfully this is our world

Not yours

And the leaves will begin to fall sooner than we think

America I have not checked social media in 367 days

My iPhone says my screentime is down 93% this week.

America are you not impressed with me?

America please do not increase the Social Security retirement age

If you do I will cry for my family

If you do I will cry for my friends

If you do I will cry

If you do

America my father is my Protector and my best friend

And he will be 62 in September

And I will never forgive you for how you have treated him

America I will be 25 this year and I want a revolution

More than I have ever wanted anything

America I have studied your history

And the rest of it, too

America the communists are right again

And they know it, too

America please end the War on Drugs

Our friend Paul OD’ed last week

My friend [redacted] relapsed yesterday and [redacted] just got outta rehab

Again

The boys from back home are still suck on the shit

They probably think I am, too

America tomorrow we will plant a tree in Paul’s honor

And all the others, too

America I found the real artists

And they all want you dead

America we are never going to stop honoring life and writing poems and singing songs and dancing together and crying when we feel like crying

And I will never do something because you told me to do it

I still drive back to Sissonville every chance I get

And to Huntington, too

The troubles you give me are worth it each time

Because I have the best reasons to suffer

America the psychiatrist at Marshall University told me

I should probably sober up

At all costs

America your costs never really mattered much to me

Today I am several months sober and moving with more clarity than ever

And everything I care about is free

Comes freely

Goes freely

America I know I am going to die

10 or 15 years too young

At least

10 or 15 years too young

If I am fortunate

10 or 15 years too young

Because I was born here

America am I all you got to offer?

America we know this ain’t fair

I know I will never be rich

I do not want to be rich

America I do not want your money

Your money makes me less

America I hate your money more than I have ever hated anything

You are a death cult for money

And for me, $750 might as well be $75

‘Cuz it ain’t enough to make a damn difference anyway

America I will pray to my own gods

Not yours

America I do not smoke your dope

No more

My family doctor says it hurts my heart

America all this hurts my heart

Some days I still feel that familiar tightness in my chest

Some days I feel damn-near nothing at all

My family doctor’s name is Jill

I do not like when Jill fakes a smile to me

Please look into my eyes

When you lie to me

America I have not slept in days again

I refuse to be numbed

On any terms except my own

Even my own

America I am so selfish

America do you hear me?

I know you do not believe in me

Whatever that means

Unless I am lying to you

Lying for you

America I have not lied to you since I was 15

And I never considered lying for you

And I never will

America you say you listen

When someone’s got somethin’ to say

But I know you like I know myself

And you do not listen at all

America you should have killed what is left of me by now

America I am becoming your worst mistake

And there are more of me

America we are not an accident

I feel acid rain falling down on me

America I am having epiphanies

I am afraid to leave West Virginia

For Good

One day I will be in Saint Petersburg or Shanghai or Havana or Caracas or Sao Paulo or La Paz or Phnom Penh or Hanoi or Gondar or elsewhere

Knowing all this is temporary

Even you

America I am asking you

Are you going to let Facebook, Twitter, Instagram

Control your life?

Are you going to let Wall Street, the banks, the corporations

Steal everything?

America I am the artist you created

I am the worst junkie of them all and I am proud of it

I go to the library and all the local shops daily

I volunteer at the soup kitchen

And hang out at the homeless camps

Because I want to

America we are becoming beautiful

The way oppression becomes liberation

Within itself, over time

Seemingly endlessly, then all at once

America last week felt like 10 years

At least

America when your time comes I will be there

I am already here

And I know nothing of patience

America are you serious?

I do not know

America I am you

Something is deeply Wrong with us

We are talking to ourselves again

I know you are not listening

. . .

Sent from my iPhone

Inspired by Allen Ginsberg’s “America,” 1956

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